Christmas in Heaven

So I'm not going to lie and say that I am totally enjoying the holidays. I think I preoccupied myself with gift buying and wrapping presents so much that I didn't realize how truly difficult this Christmas was going to be for me. Josh and I exchanged stockings yesterday morning and I spent the rest of the morning crying my eyes out. We went to my dad's house last night for our annual Christmas sleepover. This is usually one of my favorite celebrations, but I spent the whole night just trying to hold it together. As I was going to sleep last night it hit me...there is no present, no family gathering, no Christmas tradition that is going to bring Tytus back to us. There is never going to be anything that is ever going to fill that void in my heart. I know that life will go on and that hopefully we will have a house full of children some day, but nothing is going to take his place.
I found the following poem earlier from a mom who lost her baby girl at birth. It does bring comfort to know that Tytus is spending his first Christmas with Jesus. I love you baby boy...Merry Christmas!

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below, with tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear,for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,but the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring, for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place, Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?
I'll ask Him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love, so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing, for I am spending Christmas in Heaven, and I’m walking with the King.
~ Wanda Bencke

Hanging in there...

Well, life is finally getting back to normal this week. Along with the miscarriage several other stressful things happened the past two weeks. First, I got a spinal headache from the epidural and had to go back to the hospital for a blood patch. It was not fun, but my head hurt so bad that anything would of felt better than that headache. The day after I went to the hospital for the blood patch my father-in-law had a heart attack and had to have triple bypass surgery. Talk about a stressful week! The surgery went well and he is now recovering at home.

This week I am taking it easy at home. I have a newer appreciation for my job now. Although staying at home all day sounds great, after a few days it gets boring (I know it will be different when we have a kid at home). I think I have gone to Hobby Lobby at least 3 times this week and have completed many projects. I miss my students so much and I can't wait to see them at our Christmas party on Friday.

Although this whole process has been very hard physically and emotionally, I feel so abundantly blessed to have such amazing family and friends. Not a day goes by that someone doesn't call and check up on me or comes over while Josh is working. I have always been close to my mom, and we have grown even closer through this. Also, I always knew that I had a wonderful Mother-in-law, but I have learned so much from her the past two weeks. She is such a strong Christian woman with an unbelievable faith in God. Last I have to mention my WONDERFUL husband. We found out we miscarried on a Thursday and he was suppose to leave the next day for a 10 day trip to Washington D.C. with some students from his school. He immediately called his principal and arranged for someone else to go. He did not leave my side at the hospital and he took such great care of me when I got home. Josh and I have been together since I was in 9th grade...never did I think we would have to go through something like this. It is amazing how something so tragic can bring two people so close together. He is going to be a great father someday.

Sorry for all the rambling...I just have so much going through my head these days.

Loss

I'm not sure exactly where to begin this post, so I'm just going to start. I really don't want to post a status on facebook that said that I had a miscarriage so I will just explain everything here.
Last Thursday moring Josh and I went to the "big ultrasound" to find out the sex of our baby. We were sadly told that our baby had passed away. I was 19 weeks pregnant. Since I was so far along we had no choice but to induce labor. Friday evening at 11:15 we delivered a son. We named him Tytus Ray.
A week has passed and while my body is healing, I'm not sure about my heart. I know that it will take time and I am so very blessed to have such a strong support system. It is so weird for your heart to be so full and empty at the same time.

So I stink at this blogging thing...

Well, it has been a long time and I really don't have any excuses. I am really going to try to become better about the whole blogging thing. I think I have just felt like I haven't had anything important to blog about however....I think I do now! Josh and I found out the day before school started that we are expecting! I feel so lucky that things worked out the way they did. We are due May 1st so I will be able to work all but the last few weeks of this school year. We had our first doctor's appointment last Wednesday and I was SO NERVOUS! Everything has gone so smooth that I was almost wondering if I was actually pregnant! Hearing that heartbeat was so amazing. The doctor said everything looks and sounds good. I am 12 weeks and have felt great, for the most part, the entire time. I did find out that I am mildy anemic and have to start iron supplements. I also have to go in tomorrow for another urinalysis (msp?) which will have to be done by a catheter which I am not really looking foward to. The nurse told me it was nothing to worry about but I have to say that it doesn't sound that fun!

So that is the quick re-cap. Hopefully now I will be better about the blogging! Have a great week!

What a week

This is going to be a long post so please bear with me...

At church last Sunday we began a sermon series over the book The Shack by William Paul Young. I have not read it yet, but it is up next on my reading list. Anyway, last week's message was "If only I had..." It was a really good sermon that really got me thinking how often that comes to mind. "If only I had finished early, If only I had not been so lazy yesterday..." I feel very thankful that I don't have any major regrets in my life so far. I didn't realize that I would have these words come to my mind just two days later.

On Monday my mom and I packed up and drove my sister to Dallas for dance camp. We had a beautiful hotel room on a lake. It was a perfect place to spend a week with my mom, who is also my best friend. The trip started out wonderful. We went shopping on Tuesday at an awesome outlet mall and I found tons of great bargains. We got back to the hotel around 7 and were going to head out to dinner with some of the other dance moms when my mom's cell phone rang. I knew right away that the news was not good. My aunt called to say that she thought my grandmother had a stroke and that the ambulance was on the way to get her. Since they weren't sure what the prognosis was, my aunt said we should stay. My mom was so unsure of what to do since we had obligations in Dallas to help with the girls. My mom looked to me for some advice and that's when I knew that I did not want my mom to ever have to say "If only I had gone home sooner". So we packed up very quickly and made other arrangements for the girls (thanks to some wonderful dance moms) and headed home at 8 that night. We got home around 2:30 in the morning and my mom was at the hospital first thing the next morning. My grandmother is doing as well as can be expected. Luckily she did not have a stroke, but did have pneumonia and that caused a lack of oxygen to her brain. She is still in the hospital, but is being moved tomorrow to a rehab facility. She is 95 years old and is doing as well as can be expected. Wow...that was a long story. There was more to my week which includes some major furniture purchasing and a family reunion but that will be another post. Have a great Monday tomorrow!

Summer Fun

Well, my first week of summer break is wrapping up and it has been really fun. I finally got my room switched over, and although it isn't as organized as I had would have liked, I am glad to just be finished. I have plenty of time in August to get my room just the way I want it.

Tuesday evening, I went to see Sugarland and Brad Paisley with my friend Jenn. The concert was really fun. Sugarland was so good...I wish that I had as much energy as the lead singer! I got home that night and found out from my step-mom that Sugarland will be opening for Keith Urban (my all time favorite!) in August in Tulsa. So, needless to say, I immediately got tickets and they have already come in the mail! It will be a great way to wrap up the summer before heading back to school (I don't want to think about that yet!)

I spent the rest of the week being lazy and working on some craft projects. I really need to deep clean my house, but I just have not had the motivation. I am going to get on that once I get back from Dallas.

Tomorrow I am heading to Dallas with my mom for my sister's dance camp. My sister has made captain of the team so they have a special camp for the leaders of the team. My mom and I and two other moms are going to make sure the girls have meals when they need them. I am so excited to just get away and spend some time with my mom. We have to make sure they get breakfast and dinner so the time in between we can do whatever we would like. We are planning on doing some major shopping...can't wait! We will get back late Thursday night and then Josh, Alyson, and I are heading out Friday afternoon for a family reunion. A very busy week, but should be a lot of fun.

So I probably won't be posting until next weekend. Have a wonderful week!

Yeah Summer!

So back in November I really thought this day wouldn't come...school is finally out. This has been a rough school year in a lot of ways but in the end I think that everything that happened made me stronger and a better teacher. Today was a wonderful day at school. It was my first year ever that I wasn't emotional at the end of the day because I know that I will have the same kids again next year. The best part of the day was getting my benchmark scores. I worried all weekend, but they turned out AWESOME! I had so many GREAT surprises! My students worked so hard, as did I, and it is so good to see the hard work pay off. I am so excited that I get to work with the kids again next year because I feel like I will be able to push them even further!

Anyway, so as I sit at home tonight it is just starting to sink in that school is out for the summer. I have a very busy June ahead of me. I am going to be going to Dallas next week for my sister's dance camp and then to Clarksville for a family reunion. Next I have a week of inservice and then....JAMAICA! I am so pumped. I do see a trip to Hobby Lobby and the library in my very near future (two of my favorite places!). Oh yeah, I almost forgot...tomorrow I am going to see Sugarland and Brad Paisley with my great friend Jenn!

Summer fun here I come!